Some people live in a world that just isn’t good enough. There are problems and annoyances everywhere. They complain about the cold all winter and the heat all summer.
They also see a very threatening world. And so they adopt a ‘survival strategy’. Some become people-pleasers in order to gain others’ approval. Others become controllers, in order to compel others to please them. Still others retreat, remaining silent so as to avoid all possible conflict with others. All of these strategies are based on fear - fear of disapproval, fear of disappointment or fear of conflict.
This view of the world impacts their feelings, their relationships and their lives. By focusing on the negative, they are always unhappy. By not trusting anyone, they are unable to make close friendships. And because they believe that their future outlook is gloomy, they never allow themselves to pursue their dreams.
Positive focus
Other people have a positive outlook. Perhaps it’s because of a happy and secure childhood, or perhaps it’s in their genes. They seem to find something positive in every situation, and they’re optimistic about the future.
These people are happier because they focus is on the bright side of things. They have better relationships because they are more trusting (and trust usually draws out the best in others). And their optimism compels them to pursue their dreams with such focus and persistence, that they are likely to realize their grandest visions.
The ”New Age” movement
A number of books have been written about “the law of attraction”, “the power of positive thinking” and “positive affirmations”. And many people are making an effort to change their habitual negative thought patterns into positive ones.
But often times, this just turns into another kind of battle. Before, it was “me vs. them” and now, it’s “negative vs. positive” thoughts. As you work on changing negative thoughts to positive, notice what’s happening… You are judging every thought. You transform every negative thought into the positive. It’s hard work! And you’re still in a state of resisting – resisting what you judge to be negative.
A different approach
Let’s consider a different approach… Imagine letting go of the battle. Imagine welcoming all situations and thoughts – allowing them to come and go with neither resistance nor clinging. Imagine there is a vibrant life energy constantly flowing through you, and you just let it flow.
You may notice negative thoughts, positive thoughts, judgmental thoughts – and you welcome all of them and let them go. No resistance, no attachment. The only thing that is constant is your attentiveness and your peacefulness.
It’s interesting that when you are in this state, you do sound like one of those New Age ‘positive’ people. When something terrible happens, you don’t see it as ‘bad’. But you don’t see wonderful things as ‘good’ either. Everything just IS, and you welcome all things with a peaceful heart.
There is a Chinese story of a farmer who used an old horse to till his fields. One day, the horse escaped into the hills and when the farmer's neighbors sympathized with the old man over his bad luck, the farmer replied, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?"
A week later, the horse returned with a herd of horses from the hills and this time the neighbors congratulated the farmer on his good luck. His reply was, "Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?"
Then, when the farmer's son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone thought this very bad luck. Not the farmer, whose only reaction was, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?"
Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth they found there. When they saw the farmer's son with his broken leg, they let him off. Now was that good luck or bad luck? Who knows?
The Chinese farmer never judged a situation as good or bad. He just went with the flow, peacefully accepting and dealing with each event as it occurred.
When you are in this state of mind, you actively participate in life. You experience all sorts of emotions. But you observe from a deeper place. This deeper, inner state is constant and peaceful. And from that place, you savor every moment, every thought and every emotion.
I remember when I was in my early twenties, at times when I had just split up with ‘another’ boyfriend, I would go and sit beside the river and write poetry. And I remember noticing that as I wrote, I was actually enjoying my sadness. I would BE with the feeling, allow the tears and turn them into poetry. I was able to savor even my sadness.
Welcome everything
I think that we came to this life because we wanted to experience emotions, challenges, frustrations and joy. But we sometimes get so caught up that it’s not fun any more.
In order to regain our perspective, we need to step back once in a while and remember that we are just passing through one little lifetime - a tiny moment in the history of the universe. So make the most of it. Soak up the experiences. Welcome each situation, each thought and each emotion with open arms, and then let it go. Savor this moment … and the next … and the next …
We often face situations where we have to decide between two mutually exclusive, but equally compelling, options. In this article, I will describe two techniques that can aid in decision making. Decisions Wheels, and The Conference Table.
Decision Wheels
This is a simple technique that allows you to get a visual picture of how closely your options fit your ideal. The example on the left involves a decision about jobs, but you could use this in any situation where you can define clear criteria. The process is:
1. Create an Ideal Wheel
Name 6 to 8 criteria that are important in making this decision. Label your ideal wheel with those criteria and rate the relative importance of each. The example on the left shows a possible ideal job wheel.
2. Draw a separate wheel for each job choice
Label each wheel with same criteria
Rate each job choice on each of the criteria.
3. Compare each job wheel to your ideal wheel
It's unlikely that you will find an exact match, but you can now clearly see which wheels most closely fit the ideal and what compromises you will be making with each choice.
Note: You will find blank wheels on my web site at…
http://www.janemillerlifecoach.com/tools/two-decision-wheels.pdf
The Conference Table
In cases where you need to consider risk factors and you find yourself besieged by opposing inner arguments, the Conference Table technique allows you to bring this dialogue into clear focus. You may do this exercise entirely in your imagination, or you may also write down the main points as you go.
1. Set the scene
Carry out this exercise in a quiet location without any distractions or interruptions. Imagine you are sitting at a conference table, and have invited each of your 'inner sub-personalities' to express their ideas on what decision you should take. Let's say you're deciding if you should take a year off work to write a book.
2. Let each voice offer its opinion on each option
You may have two or three major sub-personalities who want their say. Give them whatever names help to define them for you. For example, for the choice of taking a year off, your Traditionalist might say, "You're risking financial security". For the choice of continuing to work, your Artistic side may say, "You will die inside if you can't focus on your writing for a while." Some of your inner voices are those of your parents, teachers or 'society' in general. Let them all have their say.
3. Wise mentor
Now imagine a wise mentor coming to the table. This mentor is never judgmental or dismissive.
He (or she) speaks with compassion and understanding. He acknowledges the validity of each concern, and comes up with ways to address them.
For example, he might say to the Traditionalist, "Well, you should be able to take a year off, as long as you have a certain amount of money saved to sustain you well beyond a year, and you keep up your network so that you will have a good chance of getting back into the work force afterwards."
To the Artistic side, he may say, "If you don't take the year off, you can still write your book in your spare time.”
The mentor may also come up with some additional options. For example, "You might be able to arrange a sabbatical or to continue working but cut down on your hours."
4. Open the dialogue
As you open the dialogue, exploring each option, take a big picture view, look at the long-tem benefits of each option, explore your deepest values and gauge your emotions.
5. Come to agreement
You will know you've come to a decision when all your inner voices are satisfied. They may not all have exactly what they want, but their major concerns have been addressed.
6. Commitment
Make sure you have made your commitments clear. For example, if you have decided to take a year off, and have promised to keep up with your professional networks, outline exactly what that means and how you will remain true to that promise.
Moving forward – Watch your thoughts
It is extremely important to pay attention to your thoughts as you move forward. Any sabotaging thoughts like "This isn't going to work" must be caught, brought out into the light and addressed. (Not shut down, but faced and addressed!). For example, you might ask, "OK, how might I make sure that it will work?" or "What might go wrong and how can I address that risk?"
It is perfectly normal to have sabotaging thoughts. In fact, they are very useful in alerting us to possible risks. So they are not really sabotaging but helpful and protective – as long as we pay attention and address those concerns.
The goal, for most of us, is to maintain inner harmony as you move in a direction that brings a feeling of happiness and fulfillment.
How often have you wished you would have done something differently? And is this a habitual way of responding – a pattern that you really would like to change?
Let's take an example. Let's say it's Friday afternoon and you're looking forward to a weekend ski trip with a group of friends. But just as you're getting ready to go home, your boss comes up to you and says he needs you to come in on the weekend to complete a project that is due on Monday. Without a thought, you agree. And then, as you drive home, you say, "Damn! I'm always doing that! Why can't I stand up for myself? Why can't I ever say no?"
Well, it is possible to change habitual ways of responding. It's gradual, but it's very systematic and, if you're focused and disciplined, it works.
Stage 1 - Evening rewrite
In the first stage, you spend some time in the evening thinking back over your day, and note if you were in a situation that you wish you had handled differently. If so, imagine the scene and re-write your response as you would have liked. Visualize it as if you could see yourself in a play on a stage. Go over it a few times, modifying your posture, facial expression, gestures and words until you are totally satisfied. Then, imagine stepping into the role and experience what it feels like.
Stage 2 - Immediate re-write
Eventually, you will find yourself noticing your habitual response immediately after it occurs. As soon as you do, start to imagine how you might have responded differently. Play it out in your imagination. Rehearse it.
Stage 3 - Catch yourself mid-stream
The next stage starts to get interesting. This is where you catch yourself as you're enacting the usual scenario. So, you just go through it and observe, as if from an outside perspective. This is an important step because you start to detach yourself from your usual role.
Stage 4 - Catch yourself at the choice point
In this stage, you notice just before you respond. This is the moment when you can choose to continue into the usual scenario or respond in a different way. You may not achieve the perfect re-write the first time, but you can continue to do visualizations later. And so, with each new occurrence you can improve your response. And, in time, this will be your new way of being. It will come naturally.
Stage 5 - Balancing
A final note about balance may be helpful. Often times, you decide you want to be more of one specific characteristic and less of its opposite. And you push yourself towards one end of the scale. But once you have achieved that, you may need to practice being flexible, depending on the situation. For example, it's fine to learn how to be assertive but there are some occasions that you may wish to be more gentle or submissive. Ideally, you want to be open to all options and decide how to react based on the immediate situation.
What criteria do you base your decision on? Well that depends on your values and your goals. And that is a topic in itself…
Ryokan, a Zen master, lived in solitude in a little hut at the foot of a mountain. One evening he returned from a walk to discover that a thief had entered his hut and was looking for something to steal but the hut was totally empty.
Without hesitation, Ryokan greeted the thief warmly and said, "You have come a long way to visit me and you should not return empty-handed. Please take my clothes as a gift."
The thief, too astonished to speak, took the clothes and left without a word. Later on Ryokan sat naked in meditation and gazed up at the moon. "Poor fellow," he mused, "I wish I could have given him this beautiful moon."
There are two lessons in this story. The first is Ryokan's open-hearted welcome. He does not see a thief. He sees a human being in need. And he offers not only his robe, but most importantly he offers warmth, respect and kindness. He transformed a scene that could have been violent and angry into one of warmth and peace.
The second lesson is that Ryokan does not see himself as a poor man. He feels a deep connection with the universe and so there is no lack. He is able to appreciate the simple beauty of the moon and to feel that he has a treasure. And then he wishes to share this greater wealth - this feeling of bliss.
You don't have to be a Zen master to emulate some of these beautiful traits. I remember walking along a busy street with a friend of mine, when a street person asked for some change. My friend immediately reached into his pocket and gave the man a handful of change, looked him in the eye, took his hand and said warmly, "You have yourself a good day!" The man looked surprised and visibly straightened up and smiled, saying, "Thank you. Thank you." We were all smiling. There was a connection. I don't know about the man, but I felt a sort of glow all day and I still feel it when I recall that moment.
When you are willing to look deeply and see the person behind the role you will be astonished at what you discover. Everyone has their story and they are in their situation for a valid reason. Connecting with another human being with respect and kindness has a profound affect on both of you and spreads far beyond that tiny space and moment.
And when it comes to the notion of feeling bliss in little things and wanting to share that bliss, children provide many examples…
When my husband was a little boy his parents gave him a bell for his tricycle. John went off happily ringing the bell. Later on he returned home and his dad noticed that the bell was gone. He asked, "Where did the bell go?" John replied, "Well, I saw this other little boy on a tricycle and he didn't have one."
Your self-image is based on your thoughts. Therefore if you feel that you lack self-confidence, ask yourself, "What are the beliefs and thought patterns that underlie this feeling?"
What do you believe about yourself and others? What is important to you? What is your inner dialogue?
Here are some possible beliefs that may underlie different levels of self-confidence, and a few thought patterns that may arise from those beliefs. Add your own to this list.
Low self-confidence
Beliefs
"I must live up to other's expectations"
"I must be the best"
"I am not very good at things"
Focus / Inner dialog
What do others think of me?
What can I do to impress?
How can I fake being good at things?
High self-confidence
Beliefs
"I am ok as I am."
"I don't have to be perfect."
"What others think of me does not matter."
"I enjoy learning."
Focus / Inner dialog
What can I learn from this?
How can I do more of what I enjoy?
One of the most common misconceptions is that you have to be perfect in order to be self-confident. This belief sets an impossible goal. True self-confidence arises not from believing you are perfect, but from being ok with yourself exactly as you are.
This doesn't mean that you stop striving to be better. Quite the reverse. It means that you allow yourself the time to learn. When your thoughts and efforts shift from what others think of you to the task at hand, you will be able to move forward more effectively and you will also be able to experience the pure joy of learning.
You can CHOOSE thinking patterns that support a feeling of self-confidence. Let go of the need for perfection and the worry about what others think of you. Hold on to the feeling of "ok-ness" and focus on experience, learning and on doing what you truly enjoy.
Many people struggle with the question "What is my purpose in life? What will bring me a feeling of joy and fulfillment?" They struggle to find the perfect career, relationship, possessions, in hopes that these will bring joy.
For years, I hopped from career to career and from project to project. Every new project or career was at first fulfilling but eventually became routine and boring.
In time, I came to realize that there is no specific situation that contains this magical thing called 'joy' or 'happiness'. Instead, joy is a state of being that one can hold throughout the journey. One can experience joy even during a time when you are frustrated with a situation, because within that frustration is the heartbeat of life.
You don't need anything external to be joyful. You can simply step into that feeling. It's so simple...
If you want to be joyful, just BE joyful now.
The Joy Visualization: Close your eyes, take a slow, deep breath, imagining you are breathing in "joy". Let it fill your lungs and spread throughout your body. With each new breath, imagine joy radiating as rays of light extending outwards. Feel it ignite a passion for living. Allow other feelings to come forward, and when they do, listen to them with compassion, BE fully with them and hug them, and then slowly bring them into the warm radiance of joy.
When joy becomes your "way of being", the rest of your life will unfold without any effort. You will experience life in all its depth and richness, and the state of joy will remain constant.
You already have joy. Embrace it now, and dance the dance of your heart. Your purpose in life is simply the journey and you're already on that journey.
Step into joy and take every step with a joyful heart.
There's nothing wrong with striving for more - more education, a more fulfilling job, better health, etc. But how you think about your situation has a huge impact on the result.
If you focus on what you don't have, you will get into a negative emotional state which weighs you down and tends to make the situation worse. Focusing on misery keeps you submersed in misery.
If, on the other hand, you focus on the positive things that you already have, it generates a positive energy that will propel you towards more positive things.
For example, if you would like a more fulfilling job, look at the aspects of your current job that are fulfilling. There's always something. It may be the occasional lunch-time outing with colleagues. Or perhaps you enjoy brainstorming problems or writing reports.
When you start to focus on what you find fulfilling, think of ways to do more of that, perhaps in various contexts. For example, you may decide to do some events planning for your group or start a group newsletter. Then, get in the habit of talking to people about your activities and aspirations.
When you focus on the positive and take advantage of opportunities to do more of what you love, it will light a spark that is unstoppable.
